If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
The funk soul brother
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.