If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
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(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
<- sleeps well with others
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones