i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I never needed anything more in my life
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…