@iwearaonesie: If you start smacking people with your wife's purse she won't ask you to hold it for her anymore
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@Pat_Bren: The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
@captainkalvis: CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please ME: ok CUSTOMER: and make it quick ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal. Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology. Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
@HavocMantis: I'm a fi-sci writer. "You mean sci-fi?" No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.