If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.