If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
bad news gang
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste