“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
You Might Also Like
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.