If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
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My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Important reminders