The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
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Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Sharon, call the vet
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.