@Nocturnoc**to: If you steal my tweets I'll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.
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@gumdropheaven: I eat children for a living You what? I said I feed children Oh haha thought you sa- TO MY MOUTH
@JustDontBugMe: MIL: You're going to give me a heart attack someday! M: Last time I checked you didn't even have a heart.
@fro_vo: presidents day is just a holiday created by "Big President" to get us to buy more presidents
@MarfSalvador: Cop: I can only hold you for another hour Criminal: Then you're just gonna let me go?! Cop: You know I gotta work, babe