I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
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1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄