If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
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If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Pandas 🐼🖤
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
found my next D&D character name
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Pat is about to own someone
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*