No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
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There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
A dad and his duck
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”