@XplodingUnicorn: If you still have a landline, I assume you also own a butter churn and ride a dinosaur to work.
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@PJTLynch: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
@WilliamAder: Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can't sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
@DeanB15: Lindsay Lohan said she's voting for Mitt b/c "employment is really important right now" Like it's Obama's fault no one wants to hire her.