He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
You Might Also Like
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Generation gap…
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Still a very good boi….
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it