@mishakey: If you stop at a yellow light I'm going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
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@KeetPotato: [a giant killer salmon is attacking the city] cop: [throws smoke bomb] me: "all you've done is make him extra delicious you idiot"
@UncleDuke1969: "Wow, it's pouring out there." "Just let a smile be your umbrella!" "That's not how rain works, Karen."
@yoyoha: there should be a jail just for people that don't break apart kit kats before they eat them
@Brampersandon_: ME: *packing my bags* WIFE: let's talk about this ME (still mad she didn't get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about