@mishakey: If you stop at a yellow light I'm going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
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@TheAlexNevil: Cop: Sir do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You're the third policeman to ask me that tonight. They should really train you guys better.
@BoobsRadley: Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick Me: not if I'm banking on them eating my body
@sageboggs: "What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?" How about island? "Seems too obvious" What if we pronounced it weird "Perfect"