“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
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WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”