If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!