If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I need a headline like this
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…