If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
You Might Also Like
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
This is the best one I’ve seen
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
giddy up Office Depot
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?