Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
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My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers