“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
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Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
he looks great for his age
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
don’t be scared
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My work here is don’t.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.