[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger