@heyevergreen: if you take a selfie at a dad's funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
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@DanMentos: “how was self-deprecating rap battle?” I don’t want to talk about it “come on what happened?” they saw my porsche "oh ouch"
@__candypants: Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
@Ygrene: [being murdered] Me: hey stop for a sec Murderer: what Me: just want to say you're really (finger quotes)…killing it [murdering intensifies]