if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
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Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
finally
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat