If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
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me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
“and how does that make you feel?”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”