If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
why I oughta
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.