If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
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If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Same post same
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza