My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
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Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Does your wife know you’re single?
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
🤣😂🤣
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*