[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
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I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
huge if true: the moon
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer