If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
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I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*