@xeyednpainless: If you tell me to "chillax," I will "chillstab" you and "chillaugh" while you bleed to "chilldeath."
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@RocketRankoon: [picks up date] *slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
@HeyZeus666: I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band.
@xLiserx: *First Date* Him: You've been really quiet. Everything ok? Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.