The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.