@Contwixt: If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that's on you. That is your bad.
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@pleatedjeans: [approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it] Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
@welone1: During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
@IamEnidColeslaw: I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
@rikpayne: Tweeting and grocery shopping don't mix. I've been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone's baby.