If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Not today.. 😂
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*