If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
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[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
The A string on my guit_r is flat
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that