If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
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The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u