If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
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[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins