If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena