@radtoria: if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
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@brendohare: Here's my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: "This will make me famous but not for long"
@Hobo_Splendido: All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn't want to talk to you.
@unravelingfire: Him: You're sexy as hell. Her: I'm an atheist. Him: You're sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness. Her: Awwwww, thank you.