if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
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Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.