@radtoria: if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
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@YoungManDadJoke: Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
@MartinPilgrim1: A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she'd just gone to the toilet and now she's back and she hates me.