if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
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“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.