Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles