@c_gawker: if you think about all the people you didn't marry, you've had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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@cjwerleman: Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I've heard for making racists dehydrate to death.
@DaddyJew: Doctor: are you an active marijuana user? Me: not really, I usually just sit on the couch and play video games
@itsboyschapter: My mother always told me "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"...and some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.