@c_gawker: if you think about all the people you didn't marry, you've had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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@TheWoodenslurpy: [at stadium with child] Me: That is batball. [at the races] Me: That is horse circles. [at the opera] Me: This is horned yodeling.
@ohen39: [first day as a restaurant owner] *woman walks in with a dog* me: sorry no dogs allowed- her: really? me: -to leave her: what? me: no dogs allowed to leave her: but- me: *already petting dog* he's mine now
@Parkerlawyer: My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.