if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
for all #parents out there
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
is this a warning or an offer?
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*