If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
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I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Body by Oreos
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.