@annaoverby: If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
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@KentWGraham: When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
@squirrel74wkgn: Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
@nimble__nick: CW: I like your scarf. Me: Thanks, it's a CVS receipt. I didn't know what else to do with it.
@derpintine: 'So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?' 'Oh. I never fell in, I was p- *sees Lassie do cut throat motion* -was jumping in.'