Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost