Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
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SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem