If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
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By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Buck naked
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.