If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
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Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.