If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
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Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.