IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
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I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)