Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
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A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
sensitive skin
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Camping tip: No.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Catering service
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.