doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
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At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it