I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
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Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.